“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Sharon I have some bad news
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.