Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.