Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Pickled cat.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.