Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??