Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me trying to “trust the process”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I have a black belt in leather
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this