“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
#Caturday
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My new favorite headline
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.