I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Smooooooth
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made