Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.