Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
This one’s “Alex”.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure