Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.