Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
then why did i get this email
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Room with a view.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.