Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.