@davedittell: well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
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@felixoshea: If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as 'a stone's throw from the beach'.
@skin_and_i: Playing guess the animal with 4yo. 4: it looks like a tiger. Me: a lion? 4: no. Me: leopard? 4: no. Me: i give up 4: it's a tiger
@TitansHomer: Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??