@davedittell: well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
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@Nursey2Be: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
@djdarrellripley: Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She’s 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
@b0dymassage: "HELP!" Joe pants. "WHAT IS IT JOE?" I belt. "I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS." He cardigans.
@iwearaonesie: wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you me: *giggles* wife: me: wife: ...go ahead me: "do do"