@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@FullGrownChris: Cashier: "Look at all this candy! You're going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween" Me: "It's Halloween?"
@gogglepossum: [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter] Wife: what are you doing? Me [looking around for excuse] just...changing my tampon