@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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@Thee1_4U: My daughter just said that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.
@KngHnryVIII: If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
@PhilLaysheO: Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
@upsidedowntrash: [God creating lizards] God: How about a snake with arms and legs? Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]