Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls