@AristotlesNZ: We'll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We'll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.
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@BourbonHabit: I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow." Okay! I'm opening the can now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!
@tigersgoroooar: It sucks when an album has a real chill sad song and you’re like oh yeahh and then the next song is crazy loud it makes me wanna eat knives.
@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012
@adamhess1: I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.