@DaddyJew: Well thank you auto correct for changing "I wish you were here" to "I wish you were her". I didn't wanna have sex anyways.
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@murrman5: officer it's my son's car "just make it stop sir" I don't know how "can you call him" I'll try *tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
@Pundamentalism: Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
@stonedcoldlazy: Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback