“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Perfect
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
WHY?!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
These 3D printers are insane!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.