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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.