@JPHaddadio: Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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@ibid78: "I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen." "Sir that's not- "You got a problem with pens?"
@torrami: Doughnut boxes advertise "ZERO TRANS FAT" as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@isabelzawtun: We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
@ddsmidt: ...sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good... Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.