Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it