Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”