Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.