Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank