Well, this certainly took a turn
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Cat is stressing him out.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.