Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Hello Twits.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.