Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people