Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.