Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.