Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.