@bridger_w: Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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@Brianhopecomedy: A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
@TheToddWilliams: [high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack
@llvvzz: What woman say right before they kill you: Wow. Fine. Whatever. No problem. I'm not mad. Nothing's wrong. Sure, stay friends with your ex.
@iwearaonesie: a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'