Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.