Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
These aliens are taking forever.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell