If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture