Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
😂🤣😂🤣
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things