Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Every house has this drawer
Is this a threat?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
me doing my best
Note to self: I am a note
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.