WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.