My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam