Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.