“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Close call…
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: