I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
my name if I was in the mob
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.