Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I need a headline like this
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good