Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”