Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
every college guy’s fridge
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road