My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here