WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.