Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
smh
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed