Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
U talkin 2 me?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally