@kumailn: "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
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@TheMichaelRock: The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE! (What's that, honey? Be right there.)
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
@Reverend_Scott: Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math." when you showed me your kid's finger painting.