@kumailn: "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
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@gingerfaced: I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
@ashmensch: This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
@vanluvz1: I'm at my most nurturing when I'm plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
@AaronFullerton: "You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."