I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.