Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?