“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Hard not to take this personally
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The options really are this bad
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.