Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’